The Secret to Self-Love

Working theory: it starts with living in alignment

In our latest solo episode, we decided to dive into the concept of self-love. We are of course not experts in this, but that’s the point. We wanted to kick it around because we’ve talked a lot about how self-love isn’t something you magically feel. It’s something you have to work on. But how?

We think, maybe, it’s something you build by living in alignment with who you actually are. Not the version built to be digestible online or impressive at dinner parties. The real version. The one who knows when something feels off, even if everyone else seems to approve of it.

I think this is why self-love feels so difficult for so many of us. Because being in alignment with yourself often means going against the group.

Alex and I are both reading The Meaning of Your Life by Arthur C. Brooks right now. Excellent book. Brooks writes about how human beings evolved to stay close to the tribe because, for most of history, separation was dangerous. Get left behind and you get eaten by a tiger.

It may not be that dire now, but our nervous systems haven’t updated.

So now, when we make choices that move us closer to ourselves and away from the group, they can still feel terrifying. Leaving the wrong relationship. Wanting a slower life. Choosing meaning over status.

Even deeply right choices can trigger fear because some ancient part of your brain still interprets separation from the group as danger. Which, of course, makes modern life especially complicated because so many of the systems surrounding us reward disconnection from ourselves.

We are constantly being pulled toward comparison, optimization, and productivity. We are encouraged to react instead of reflect, consume instead of connect, and perform instead of participate. Meanwhile, the things that actually make life feel meaningful are usually quieter.

Think: friendship, nature, creativity, falling in love, paying attention, doing work that feels honest, or having the courage to build a life that feels like your own.

Alignment isn’t always exhilarating. It can feel uncomfortable or even lonely. But discomfort isn’t always a sign you’re making the wrong choice. Sometimes it’s just your ancient wiring telling you not to get left behind.

But this is exactly where self-love is built. In those moments where you stop abandoning yourself just to stay accepted by the crowd, you might find you like yourself more. Try it and see what happens.

There are (for the most part) no tigers.