Most of what we publish here grows out of conversations we’ve had on the podcast. Today, we’re trying something different: a personal essay from Alex about his recent experience with psilocybin and what it means to meet the parts of ourselves we’ve spent years trying to manage. Spoiler alert: it’s a good one.
The following recounts my own journey on psilocybin. Psychedelics aren’t for everyone, and this isn’t medical advice or an endorsement, just one person’s experience.
For a number of years, there has been a quiet rage growing inside me.
On the outside, I present as fairly calm and collected. When people have reflected this to me, I like to add that I actually feel a bit like a duck: gliding gracefully on the surface of the water, but underneath the surface is a completely different world.
For years, I tried to understand, improve, medicate, manage, and optimize my way out of that rage.
I’ve been in therapy for over 10 years. I’ve done “the work” to understand my behavior patterns, I do parts work to meet my shadows, and I (mostly) stay on top of my thought life. At times during the last 20 years, I’ve taken different antidepressants and various ADHD medications to get me through the day. I meditate and am currently dipping my toes into Buddhism and other spiritual philosophies and practices. Almost two years ago, I quit a job at a place many would call a dream company (I did at one point, until it became untenable) and left a lot of money and security to have more free time and try building the life of my dreams. For all intents and purposes, I’ve taken control of my life in order to live the best version of my Self.
Even with all that work and intention, the rage was still there, simmering, and keeping me depressed.
What finally shifted it wasn’t more work. It was meeting the part of my Self I’d been trying so hard to manage.
Last week, a friend who is a trained psychedelic facilitator, held a safe space for me to take a trip down the rabbit hole and find some answers with the help of a few clear intentions:
Release anger, rage, resentment, and sadness.
Hold and love all parts of me.
Access my Light and my potential to live my best, creative life, the life of my dreams.
Use my Light in service of others.
I took a handful of Penis Envy mushrooms, laid down on my couch, slipped on an eye mask, and noise-cancelling headphones. I felt safe and ready to understand my Self on a deeper level. Pretty immediately, there were some visualizations, colors, and patterns. Those were really cool and beautiful. The visualizations were kind of a waiting room. The show before the show. It wasn’t until I gave up any expectations of the experience that I was able to surrender and sink into it.
Almost immediately I felt the presence of what I can only describe as divine femininity. Safety. Love. Wisdom. Power. From there a visual—and I use the term “visual” lightly because it was more of a download than actually witnessing something with my traditional senses—of younger me appeared. I was “seeing” Alex at around 9, 10, 11 years old. He was suspended and splayed out horizontally in the air with a shackle and chain on each of his wrists and ankles, and he was thrashing. He’d been working non-stop for the last 30 years to hold us together, to build our life. Adhering to all the rules. Doing “what you’re supposed to do.” Taking care of everyone but himself. He was exhausted. He felt alone. He was angry, and resentful, and hurting. He was raging. So, instead of managing him, I held and loved him. I thanked him for everything he’d done to get us to this place, and told him how proud I am of everything he’s built. I told him how loved he is. And then I told him he didn’t have to do this anymore and that it was time for him to have fun again and to let me handle things. I’m crying as a type this because I know he’s listening and my gratitude for him is never-ending.
When I held my younger self, I also felt held and loved by some older version of me. Like all the versions of me, lived and yet to live, were hugging and being hugged. While this was happening, I continued sensing this feminine energy that had enveloped me. I also sensed a big cat, not unlike when the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland reveals his eyes and some aspects of his body in silhouette. Because this energy and presence felt so real, I asked its name, and she answered “Shakti.” I’d never heard this name and just went with it.
When I realized I could speak to this entity and it would respond, I settled on one simple question: ‘Why?’ Shakti replied, ‘Why not?’ I started bawling (again) and laughing. Her answer cracked something open: things simply are because they are, and our job isn’t to constantly attach meaning to what we experience. It’s to live it, and have compassion for everyone else living theirs.
Next, I showed her two paths I was considering for my life. A brilliance, like a lens flare, hovered over both, and I felt an instant knowing: no matter what I chose, I’d be loved and supported. There was no wrong path. I could just do what I wanted.
At this point, the journey was nearing the end, and I felt only an immense amount of love and support. I very clearly sensed my grandmother’s, mother’s, and sister’s love and energies accompanied by a feeling of being cradled in safety. It was as if I’d not yet experienced fear and only knew love. It was womb-like. To know and feel love on that level has got to be the most profound of human experiences. I was sobbing. I’m choking up now.
The journey was last week. The trip itself was only about 6 hours, but the real change is happening in my brain’s neural connections for about two weeks after. So, maybe the ceremony was the spark, and this is the part where new habits get the chance to take root. My work, my mental health, is an ongoing task. I know I’m not free from the dark waters. But I do feel a sense of relief from the rage and sadness. I feel—or maybe younger Alex feels—seen and heard. I feel like the backpack I’ve been carrying for years no longer has a stack of 500-page books in it and that I no longer have to walk hunched over. I feel loved and supported on a cosmic level. And I am full of gratitude, compassion, and excitement for a life lived and yet to be lived.
Oh, and Shakti is the Sanskrit word for divine feminine energy, power, and the dynamic life force that creates, maintains, and destroys the universe. She is usually accompanied by a lion or tiger. Shakti represents the active, moving energy of the cosmos, while her counterpart Shiva represents passive, unchanging consciousness.
Consider my flabbers gasted.
And here’s an excellent education on psychedelics by Michael Pollan.